For most of my adult life I have been a socially aware individual; relatively well versed on societal and global issues such as homelessness, inequality, the refugee crisis, war, natural disasters and diseases which plague parts of the population. One of my passions is politics and what makes society work or not work as a whole, and as such, I have spent much of my life reading and watching documentaries on various global matters.
Unfortunately, up until a few years ago, this passion led me to invalidate my own needs, desires, worries and concerns. I used to compare and contrast societal problems to my own life, and when comparing said issue(s) I would berate and tell myself that I had zero right to complain about my problems and worries. Guilt would continuously circulate in my mind, and I would link to myself: there are starving children in Africa… there are people far worse off than you… you have a roof over your head and food in your tummy… do you think you are that special? Get over yourself! Because I kept telling myself that I was fortunate, I invalidated and did not give credence to my own distresses. I discounted the quiet knowing inside me that was shouting at me to change my life and to find my purpose. Inside I listened to the voice in my head that would say: You cannot do that… You cannot indulge such frivolities…don’t you know some people would love to have this job/make the money you do…you are lucky. Eventually, the anxiety and subsequent depression that I fell into forced me to start listening to my inner wisdom and necessitated that I validate my own story. I become aware that just because my situation did not compare to someone else’s did not mean that my challengers were invalid and unworthy. And, as I began to validate my own story, I came to own it, and by owning it, I was able to set myself free and make the necessary changes to build a new chapter in my life. Watch my YouTube video to hear how I learned to own, validate and reframe it. www.youtube.com/watch?v=df2L1kgXCGg&t=7s My lesson? You have a right to your feelings and story regardless of what others might be experiencing. Remember that by validating and taking ownership of your story, you have the opportunity to re-define it. Acknowledge the obstacles that you have overcome. We all have a story. Where you are at today does not define you – you have a choice to stagnate in your existing story, or you can write new chapters. Furthermore, validate and accept the story of others – even if you cannot relate to or understand the story. Key questions to ask yourself:
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I recently gave a keynote speech in London about the anxiety, panic attacks and depression I suffered from years ago. It’s a speech I often give, which generally results in attendees approaching me afterwards to share their own story with me. And, indeed on this occasion, I was approached thereafter.
One of the individuals who approached and spoke to me absolutely floored me with his comments. He said, “What you said has made me realise for the first time in my life that I am not worthless”. I guessed he was in his late forties, and what floored me and broke my heart was the realisation that he had spent his entire life feeling worthless. I wanted to speak to him further; however, we were surrounded by people which prevented an intimate conversation. All we had time for was a 2-minute conversation whereby he showed me some notes he had taken during my speech, and I reiterated his importance and why he matters. Perturbed by what he had said to me, later that evening when I returned home I updated my speech to include the following words, which I would like all of you to take on board and remember. YOU MATTER. YOUR STORY MATTERS. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE DESERVING. YOU ARE LOVED. I BELIEVE IN YOU. Now it may sound usual to say I believe in you when I don’t know you; however, I do genuinely believe in everyone. Everyone has a story and is a victim of something, yet we all have the potential to own our story and rise and write a new chapter in our lives. We are all worthy and deserving of a happy, fulfilling and meaningful life. Our past and our history do not need to define us. I have written a new story for myself, and I do not have any unique superpowers that you do not have. Your potential for change and growth is just as limitless as mine. And so, I would like to remind you that YOU ARE WORTHY. You matter because you are unique and bring value to the world, even if you don’t think so. Not sure how you bring value to the world? Well, even a simple smile can change someone’s life. I believe one of the greatest gifts you can give someone your smile, and maybe your smile can change someone’s day or life. Perhaps your smile made someone feel seen and valued. Your words may have inspired someone when you didn’t think you were particularly inspiring. You never know how you positively impact someone. Still not sure how you matter or why you are worthy? Try this exercise. Make a list of what you stand for and against - this will help you to understand why you matter. As an example, to help you get started, refer to my list below: What I stand for (my core values): Kindness. Compassion. Authenticity. Integrity. What I am against: Prejudice of any kind. Unkindness. Oppression. Inauthenticity. And that is why I matter. Now it’s your turn. Make your list. I believe in you. I recently taught a workshop on fostering emotional intelligence, focussing specifically on the importance of being aware of our emotions as well as allowing ourselves to express our feelings healthily. When it came to discussing how to express our feelings, the workshop attendees brought up many questions and concerns which include variations of the following:
How do you tell someone you aren’t happy that they keep cancelling plans with you? How do you tell someone that you don’t like their behaviour towards you? How do you tell someone you don’t like how they speak to you? When I asked what was preventing individuals from speaking up and honouring their feelings, I received the all too common responses:
These responses are all too familiar because I have been there. I have been the people pleaser that avoids conflict. I have been the person that invalidates my own feelings in favour of the needs of others. And I can tell you; it is not healthy. It leads to resentment, damaged relationships and sometimes burnout. So, in answer to the above questions, this is what I suggested that my workshop attendees say in response to the following: Question: How do you tell someone you aren’t happy that they keep cancelling plans with you? Response: Can you help me understand why you keep cancelling plans with me? Is there something going on in your personal life that I need to be mindful of? Question: How do you tell someone that you don’t like their behaviour towards you? Response: I don’t appreciate you treating me this way. Can you share with me why you feel it is acceptable to do so? Question: How do you tell someone you don’t like how they speak to you? Response: I don’t appreciate how you are speaking to me. Please can I request that we have a kind, open, and constructive dialogue instead? Responding in the above way does not ‘attack’ the other person, nor is it likely to induce an egoic, defensive response, but instead is a way of honouring and communicating your feelings and boundaries in a constructive manner that is conducive to an open and honest conversation. I appreciate that it is uncomfortable setting and communicating our boundaries, particularly if we are not used to doing so. However, it is imperative to do so if we want to build a fulfilling and happy life. If we do not set boundaries or if we regularly breach them, we become a victim to other people and situations, and this can lead us to feel a lack of respect for ourselves. It can also make us feel as though our needs and desires are being invalidated. By setting boundaries, realise that:
To take your power back, you need to define your boundaries by:
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Claire RogersHi! Welcome to the Mindset Coaching Blog, where I will be sharing with you how to develop healthy habits and empowering beliefs. Blog Categories
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