Boundaries | How to Express Your Feelings

I recently taught a workshop on fostering emotional intelligence, focussing specifically on the importance of being aware of our emotions as well as allowing ourselves to express our feelings healthily. When it came to discussing how to express our feelings, the workshop attendees brought up many questions and concerns which include variations of the following:
  
How do you tell someone you aren’t happy that they keep cancelling plans with you?
How do you tell someone that you don’t like their behaviour towards you?
How do you tell someone you don’t like how they speak to you?
 
When I asked what was preventing individuals from speaking up and honouring their feelings, I received the all too common responses:
  

• The person might get mad
• I don’t want to have an argument
• I feel anxious about saying how I really feel – it might hurt the person’s feelings
• I don’t feel I have a right to say anything

 
These responses are all too familiar because I have been there. I have been the people pleaser that avoids conflict. I have been the person that invalidates my own feelings in favour of the needs of others. And I can tell you; it is not healthy. It leads to resentment, damaged relationships and sometimes burnout.
  
So, in answer to the above questions, this is what I suggested that my workshop attendees say in response to the following:
 
Question:
How do you tell someone you aren’t happy that they keep cancelling plans with you? 
Response:
Can you help me understand why you keep cancelling plans with me? Is there something going on in your personal life that I need to be mindful of?
 
Question:
How do you tell someone that you don’t like their behaviour towards you?
Response:
I don’t appreciate you treating me this way. Can you share with me why you feel it is acceptable to do so?
 
Question:
How do you tell someone you don’t like how they speak to you?
Response: 
I don’t appreciate how you are speaking to me. Please can I request that we have a kind, open, and constructive dialogue instead?
  
Responding in the above way does not ‘attack’ the other person, nor is it likely to induce an egoic, defensive response, but instead is a way of honouring and communicating your feelings and boundaries in a constructive manner that is conducive to an open and honest conversation. 
  
I appreciate that it is uncomfortable setting and communicating our boundaries, particularly if we are not used to doing so. However, it is imperative to do so if we want to build a fulfilling and happy life.
  
If we do not set boundaries or if we regularly breach them, we become a victim to other people and situations, and this can lead us to feel a lack of respect for ourselves. It can also make us feel as though our needs and desires are being invalidated.
  
 By setting boundaries, realise that:
 

• It’s an act of self-respect and self-care
• It builds self-esteem and confidence
• It contributes to feeling less stressed/anxious and depressed
• It validates your needs
• It improves relationships as people will understand what your limits are and what you stand for.

 
 To take your power back, you need to define your boundaries by:
 

• Being kind yet assertive and learning how to say “No” without fear of adverse reactions or repercussions. This can be extremely difficult, especially for people-pleasers; however, we need to realise that assuming someone will be mad if we say “No” is not based in fact – it is an assumption. Moreover, if the person does get mad, we need to realise this is not our issue – it is theirs. It is an indication that they do not respect our boundaries.
• Realising that you cannot control other people’s behaviours or reactions – you can only control your own.
• Knowing that your feelings, time and wants are just as important as someone else’s – you are not a sacrificial lamb.
• Knowing that you have the right to your feelings and boundaries
• Learning what your limits are – where do you feel stretched past your limits?
• Knowing that your own self-care is a priority.