That’s one of the ultimate questions in life, right? How do we live life happily? Most of us have happy moments, but how many of us are truly happy, living the dream? I suspect not many because many people are asleep in life – unconscious -– living in autopilot mode, living in the past and the future, but rarely, if ever, in the here and now. And, to compound the issue, many feed their unconscious state with distractions – TV, social media, and the internet to name but a few. And, at the same time, the voice in our head (the ego) provides a constant running commentary of judgements, observations, and dramas based on the past and future projections. Which, as a consequence, this leads many to live in a distracted, drama-filled life rather than a present, empowering, happy life. It’s a pretty bold statement that I am making about society as a whole, I know. But think about it, how many of us leap out of bed and race around unconsciously getting ready for work? And then while commuting to work, plug into technology – the Blackberry, iPhone, Smartphone or headphones acting as our commuting companion? And then on arrival at work, fill our days with meetings on top of meetings, conference calls on top of conference calls, and add to the never-ending To-Do List caused by the “do more with less” work culture? And then, finally, upon finishing work, on the commute home, plug back into technology during our journey? And then once again, on arrival home, distract ourselves by surfing the internet, mindlessly scrolling social media or watching made-up drama on TV or the News? There are a great many people in society living a version of the above scenario. But hey, if you’re not convinced by what I am saying then, Google how many hours the average person works and consumes media. If you do, it will become evident that we are quite literally working, scrolling, swiping and watching our precious lives away. And we tell ourselves that this is living. That this is what life is. It’s not. It is what unconscious living looks like. And, it is the reason why many are not truly happy, living the dream. Since there are so many people in society that have accepted this way of life as what life is, means that we, as a society, have adopted a herd mentality. Rather than question the norm, we have become a part of it, meaning we are living a collective unconsciousness – a collective disempowerment. A collective unhappiness. A collective dissatisfaction. Living in a distracted, unconscious state does not create happiness or a healthy society. Instead, it produces disempowerment and helplessness – a feeling that life happens to us rather than for us. Think about it – how many times have we said or heard someone say, “One day I will,” or “I want to” or “When I get”? These are all disempowering statements that suggest we do not have agency over our life - that in the future we will be/do/have, but until then there is dissatisfaction and lacking in life. And all the while we are waiting for the future to happen, we end up sleepwalking through life, living in a state of inertia, with the incorrect assumption that we have an infinite amount of time to live. So, what is the solution? The solution to breaking free and living life happily, living the dream, regardless of what life throws at us? It’s a simple one. The solution is to wake up, get rid of the distractions as much as possible and live in the NOW. To become aware of every single moment of our lives. To get into the habit of continually asking ourselves “Is what I am doing or thinking right now, helping me to live a happy, meaningful life?”. And, if the answer is, no, then we need to proactively work to stop doing it or thinking about it and take different actions that will lead to a happy life. That is what having agency is about –recognising that we have the power to control our thoughts, behaviours, and actions. We don’t have to live in autopilot mode. We can forgo the herd mentality and choose differently. So, my question to you is this – are you truly awake? Are you in control of your mind and what you put in it, or have you filled it with distractions, autopilot mode and incessant ego chatter? Not sure? Okay, here’s a simple test to determine the state of your mind: Go sit down somewhere for 5 minutes and think of nothing. * * * * You couldn’t do it, could you? Your mind chatted to you the whole time, right? No judgement if it did – my mind was the same way until I got rid of the distractions and proactively trained myself to think and act differently. That said, in the interest of full disclosure, I still haven’t mastered this. It’s a work in progress; however, I now have the conscious awareness of when I am falling back into unconscious living. Perhaps this exercise has woken you up to how distracted your thoughts are and how unconscious you are living. If that’s the case, then my questions to you now are these:
Contact me if you need help with this. I wish you a great, purposeful, happy life.
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I have a few questions for you:
I am asking you these questions because I have a quick story I want to share with you on the importance of being mindful of what we focus on. Because what we focus on significantly impacts our mindset. In the early 1990’s I lived in Tokyo, and at the time there was no such thing as the internet, nor were there any English TV shows or English newspapers. During my first few months of living in Japan, I didn’t overthink the fact that I had no access to the “outside” world; however, it hit me hard when I returned home to Vancouver, Canada for a visit. When I arrived home and began watching the local news on TV, I remember thinking that Vancouver was one of the most dangerous cities in the world. Why did I think that? Because after months of having no access to the news, I was now bombarded with endless negative news stories about my city. Vancouver was not one of the most dangerous cities in the world; however, that is how I perceived it because of my exposure to the news. And that is how I became aware of how powerful our mind is and how easy it is impacted by what we focus on. Someone recently said to me that she thought that the world had gone to hell in a handbag and when I asked her why she thought this, she rattled off a variety of topics circling the various news channels. My response to her was ‘has the world really gone to hell in a handbag, or is it that we have much more access to information, and specifically more negative information than we are used to?’ I don’t think there is any way to quantify and answer this question, but what I do know is that that if we focus on the positivity and beauty that is everywhere around us, both our inner and outer world will become much more positive. I am not suggesting we bury our heads in the sand and pretend that the challenges of the world don’t exist; however, what I am suggesting, is that we ask ourselves this question: How is what I am focusing my energy on, serving me and making me a happier, positive person? I know that there is beauty and positivity everywhere; we just need to adjust our eyes and look for it. Want to see a quick 2 minute video on the power of kindness? Watch the below: For most of my adult life I have been a socially aware individual; relatively well versed on societal and global issues such as homelessness, inequality, the refugee crisis, war, natural disasters and diseases which plague parts of the population. One of my passions is politics and what makes society work or not work as a whole, and as such, I have spent much of my life reading and watching documentaries on various global matters.
Unfortunately, up until a few years ago, this passion led me to invalidate my own needs, desires, worries and concerns. I used to compare and contrast societal problems to my own life, and when comparing said issue(s) I would berate and tell myself that I had zero right to complain about my problems and worries. Guilt would continuously circulate in my mind, and I would link to myself: there are starving children in Africa… there are people far worse off than you… you have a roof over your head and food in your tummy… do you think you are that special? Get over yourself! Because I kept telling myself that I was fortunate, I invalidated and did not give credence to my own distresses. I discounted the quiet knowing inside me that was shouting at me to change my life and to find my purpose. Inside I listened to the voice in my head that would say: You cannot do that… You cannot indulge such frivolities…don’t you know some people would love to have this job/make the money you do…you are lucky. Eventually, the anxiety and subsequent depression that I fell into forced me to start listening to my inner wisdom and necessitated that I validate my own story. I become aware that just because my situation did not compare to someone else’s did not mean that my challengers were invalid and unworthy. And, as I began to validate my own story, I came to own it, and by owning it, I was able to set myself free and make the necessary changes to build a new chapter in my life. Watch my YouTube video to hear how I learned to own, validate and reframe it. www.youtube.com/watch?v=df2L1kgXCGg&t=7s My lesson? You have a right to your feelings and story regardless of what others might be experiencing. Remember that by validating and taking ownership of your story, you have the opportunity to re-define it. Acknowledge the obstacles that you have overcome. We all have a story. Where you are at today does not define you – you have a choice to stagnate in your existing story, or you can write new chapters. Furthermore, validate and accept the story of others – even if you cannot relate to or understand the story. Key questions to ask yourself:
Rejection hurts, however, providing you learn to understand and deal with it, it doesn’t have to define you or set you back.
Several months ago, I applied to be a keynote speaker at a large global corporate conference. And, last week I received a standard one-line email stating that I was not selected and due to the volume of applicants, no specific feedback would be given. Did the email upset me? Initially, yes, however, I got over it quite quickly because I have learned to deal with rejection positively. Some years ago, I read a book (apologies, I can’t remember the name of it) which stated that to build self-confidence we should become comfortable with collecting “no’s”. Meaning, we need to get comfortable collecting rejections. The idea being that the more we amass rejection, the easier it is to face. Which ultimately then leads us to become incredibly relaxed and confident, chasing every opportunity out there, regardless of any potential rejection that may occur. I have taken those words of wisdom to heart over the years. As a result of this, I have had many successes from opportunities that I otherwise may not have pursued. And, on the flip-side, I have collected countless ‘no’s’ and have been rejected on multiple occasions. If you are dealing with rejection or have a fear of rejection, then there are a few things to consider:
You will be rejected more times than you are accepted, and that is okay. It doesn’t mean that you are a failure or undeserving; it just means that you tried and weren’t the right fit for that particular opportunity. It’s not an excuse to give up - it just means that you need to keep persisting. One of the first steps we can take to empower ourselves is to learn to let go of the past and cultivate forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves as well as others.
This can be easier said than done as upbringing and life experiences will no doubt have had an impact on who we are and who we have become, however, the past does not need to define us or our future. Instead of dwelling on the past, we can gently ask ourselves the following questions:
By asking ourselves these questions, we will likely begin to realise that holding onto and clinging to unpleasant memories does not serve us. Perhaps you recognise this already but don’t yet know how to purge the emotional patterns that you have adhered to and adopted over the years - and I totally get it. It is easier said than done to forgive, release and let go. A serious amount of time and strong intentions to move forward are required to release any pain and behavioural patterns that may have been adopted over a lifetime. To move forward towards forgiveness, I have found that it is important to view, acknowledge and recognise past experiences and their corresponding emotions from a place of compassion and kindness. This doesn’t mean merely forgiving and forgetting and putting any painful incidents into a nice tidy box in the back of your brain, never to be thought about again. But, rather, what it does mean is that we can keep the memory of the experience but let go of the emotion attached to it. And, ultimately, with time, we can work towards forgiving those that hurt us. Again, to reiterate, this process in my experience does not occur overnight. Furthermore, it is essential to note that in some cases, the forgiveness process may require significant work with a trained psychotherapist. And that is okay – whatever method works for you in the journey of forgiveness is acceptable. In my own forgiveness journey, I have come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can at their own level of consciousness. And, while I don’t condone certain behaviours and actions, I do try to adopt a compassionate mindset towards individuals who have upset me – because I believe everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have in their own personal tool kit. |
Claire RogersHi! Welcome to the Mindset Coaching Blog, where I will be sharing with you how to develop healthy habits and empowering beliefs. Blog Categories
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